Practice the Presence of God, Not Self

Self-denial sounds like such a distasteful word. It lands on the ears like medicine that one must take, while knowing they will not enjoy it. If you don't believe me think of your immediate reaction when you're invited to listen to a talk entitled, "The Role of Self-Denial in the Life of a Christian."

That feeling that just washed over you is courtesy of years of being taught that the self is something that should not be denied, but expressed, highlighted, pampered, etc. Because of decades worth of positive emphasis on the self (and some of it really is helpful), we balk at the notion of self-denial. We cringe as images of monks in worn habits enter our minds. That, we've been unwittingly taught, is what self-denial looks like.

But this has not always been the case. In early Christianity (and also non-Christian movements) self-denial was not only good, but viewed as the only sensible way to live ones life. I'd like to briefly make an attempt to frame a proper understanding of what self-denial looks like as a disciple of Jesus.

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matt. 16:24-25).

This is one of the passages that people place under the category of "The difficult sayings of Jesus." But it's not really that difficult if we understand the phrase, "let him deny himself" in the way the original hearers would have.When we think of denying something we think of making a concerted effort to stop it. We give whatever it is more attention, even if for a brief moment, in order to keep it from happening. When a bank denies a credit card it is their system that is actively keeping the transaction from going through. Oftentimes my kids deny access to their room to one of their siblings by standing in front of the door so the other cannot get in. This cannot be anything like what Jesus wanted us to do; he didn't want us focusing on ourselves in order to keep the self in check.

This kind of self-denial (focusing on the self) has led to introspection of the unhealthiest sort. It leads us to analyze and dissect ourselves; it causes us to only think of ourselves rationally and, therefore, keeps us from experiencing real life and beauty, because we quite literally cannot see it, we can only catch a glimpse of it through the blurry lenses of the self.

There is a helpful illustration of this in Richard Matheson's What Dreams May Come.

We walked within a few yards of a group of them; several men and women... None of the people glanced at us as we passed. "Can't they see us?" I asked. "We're of no interest to them," Albert said. "They're absorbed by their own concerns." I saw some people sitting on boulders and it gave me an odd sensation to realize that those boulders were created by their minds. They sat, heads bowed, hands hanging loosely, staring at the ground, immobile in their desolation. I know that, unless they were deaf, they heard us walking by but none gave any sign of noticing our presence... "They all look so grim," I said. "They are," he replied. "Grim in their preoccupation with themselves."

This is an apt description of what happens to the Christian that denies the self by focusing on the self; they become "grim in their preoccupation with themselves." This leads to crippling frustration and a feeling of abandonment by God. All because of a misunderstood notion of self-denial.

Of course there will be occasions where one must literally deny the self as an act of will. As Lewis said in The Problem of Pain, "The full acting out of self's surrender to God therefore demands pain: this action, to be perfect, must be done from the pure will to obey, in the absence, or in the teeth, of inclination." This is true, but it doesn't describe the joyful aspect of self-denial.

But if we understand Jesus' message of self-denial properly, we will see that he is actually leading us into a joy and freedom from the self that actually leads to oneself becoming what it could never be by focusing on it, or expressing it. Because the word deny has become so negative, I'd like to suggest these translations instead:"Let him disregard himself," or, "Let him look away from himself."

These help us see that self-denial is not for its own sake, but we disregard ourselves in order to regard someone else. We look away from ourselves in order to look to another. That other is described in the rest of the verse, "...and follow me." So true self-denial is looking away from me, and fixing my eyes on him.We've all experienced getting lost in the pursuit of something we love, even forgetting to eat because we were so engaged with something that was positively delightful to us. This is what true self-denial looks like. Jesus is telling his disciples that unless they stop thinking about themselves all the time, they won't be able to become like him. Because we become like that which we behold (1 John 3:2).

This is why one of the most clever tricks of the evil one is to whisper thoughts about self concern. Uncle Screwtape highlights the truth of this in one of the letters to his apprentice demon of a nephew in The Screwtape Letters:

There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a humans mind against the enemy [God]. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them. (Italics added).

It is a damning and paralyzing thing to be self focused. You've seen it in worship, no doubt. One wants to shout out in praise to the Lord, but they don't. One wants to raise their hands, or kneel, in reverence to the Lord, but they don't. Why? Concern for the self, of course. "What will they think?" One wonders before shoving their hands back into their pockets.

Does this not give new meaning to Jesus' statement, "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3-4). Children are so self forgetful that it drives parents crazy! It doesn't matter if they're at home or in public, if something delights them they will let it be known. They're not concerned with what people think of them in that moment. Why? Because they are so given to the object that is causing their delight that they just react. They are, we might say, practicing the presence of the object that has their attention, and not mediating their reaction through a concern for the self. This is what Jesus wants for all of his disciples. A healthy self-forgetfulness and an accompanying focus on him will liberate one from unhealthy subjectivism (self-focus) and free them to delight in the Object of their affection—Jesus Christ.

When this happens it leads to the transformation of the self from something plain into something beautiful. To summarize: The self is transformed as the soul leads it after and into that which is Beautiful.

Herein lies the gift of self-denial, of practicing the Presence of God, rather than the presence of self.