Settled: Superman vs. Batman

I am by no means a comic book junkie. I've read enough to familiarize myself with most of the characters, but I don't know their favorite colors, if you know what I mean. Although I am not a comic geek I have still, on several occasions (most recently between a bunch of groomsmen minutes before a wedding), been involved in a debate about who would win between Batman and Superman.

If you've been in an argument like this you know all the important reasons why your guy would win; so I won't bring up those points. What I will do is succinctly explain why Superman will always win this fight, and it has everything to do with the Batman apologist and their logic. Superman wins because whenever someone argues in favor of Batman they use a bunch of "if" statements. 

"If Batman knew about the fight in advance..."
"If Batman had Kryptonite..."
"If Batman could outthink Superman..."

I can use similar logic to explain how I could win against Floyd Mayweather... 

"If I could run away for 12 rounds and get one punch in..."
"If I could slip steroid sauce into his cereal and get him DQ'd..."

See?

We only need conditional statements when the fight is so overwhelmingly one-sided, and in this case it is.

Superman would beat Batman all day everyday. Why? Because he is a super man... with laser beams that come out of his eyeballs and journalism skills that are unrivaled.

The only way Batman wins is if (insert perfect condition here); and even then Superman would still pull it off in the last second.